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Particle Collider to Blame for 2020, leading scientists say

Breaking news: Leading scientists believe act of slamming together "God particles" may have awakened cosmic wrath.

June 1, 2020
By:
Aaron

CERN, Geneva, Switzerland, June 1 2020

Leading scientists working at the Large Hadron Collider confirmed today that while their worst fears may not have come true, they opened up on some possible oversights in their planning phase.

"Initially, we were concerned about creating tiny, earth-devouring black holes" Physicist Elias Brunner told ISG. "We weren't expecting this."

Dr. Brunner went on to discuss that while many discoveries were made possible due to the Large Hadron Collider, they may have underestimated the unintended consequences of messing with the fabric of reality. While the discovery of the Higgs-Boson particle renewed popular interest in quantum physics, and led to a cascade of theories and scientific discussion about the existence of the "God Particle" first proposed in 1951 by Nobel Laureate Peter Higgs.

"We did an exhaustive cost-benefit analysis" said Dr. Debra Klausner "but we couldn't have predicted the results."

When pressed, Dr. Klausner detailed the obvious, saying "a reality TV billionaire president, a 'Schroedinger's Cat' Korean Dictator, and riots everywhere were not on our list of possible outcomes. It turns out..." she continued "that finding 'God particles' and slamming them together at close to the speed of light might have aroused cosmic anger. I mean, the last time something like this happened was the moon landing, and we all know what happened to Nixon."

On the topic of it being a strange coincidence, Dr. Brunner told us "It's far more likely the spite of the Gods. I should have just continued my work on reanimating the dead." He was escorted from the interview after falling to his knees and crying about the folly and hubris, and was unavailable for further comment.

"The only thing that makes sense out of all of this is COVID-19" Dr. Klausner said "because it came from China and only sorta works."

ISG reporting, Switzerland.

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